


new phone who dis

by Frostfire



Category: Nero Wolfe - Rex Stout
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Epistolary, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 11:55:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13053498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostfire/pseuds/Frostfire
Summary: me: Target went home. Staking out the building until further notice.me: where is your phone?me: we are not doing this again.





	new phone who dis

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Persiflager](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Persiflager/gifts).



> Dear Persiflager: I went with your mention of alternate formats and epistolary stories, and this is what came out! I hope you enjoy it, and happy Yuletide!

**me:** Target went home. Staking out the building until further notice.

**me:** where is your phone?

**me:** we are not doing this again.

***

**me:** Where’s his phone.

**Fritz:** I couldn’t say. He’s in the office, so likely it’s in there with him?

**me:** Well, he’s not answering.

**Fritz:** Archie, you know he prefers the house phone.

**me:** What if I were shot? I could be shot right now and he’d never know because he doesn’t check his texts.

**Fritz:** One moment.

***

**Wolfe:** If you were shot, you would call for emergency services. You would certainly not waste time composing an ungrammatical text message.

**me:** I could be lying in wait for a suspect with a gun. Silence is paramount in those situations.

***

**me:** Where was it.

**Fritz:** In his bottom desk drawer, underneath some correspondence.

**me:** Fantastic.

***

**Wolfe:** I fail to see how I could aid you in surprising an armed suspect. That falls entirely under the umbrella of your own expertise.

**Wolfe:** This keyboard is too small.

**me:** Your fingers are too big.

**Wolfe:** The problem remains. Use the house phone from now on.

**me:** You better not be putting that phone back in the drawer.

**me:** Just for this, I’m updating you on this stakeout six times an hour until he shows up.

**me:** brb

***

**From: me**

**To: Wolfe**

Since you’ve been so receptive to my phone calls, I thought I’d add another medium to my reports. Please take this email in the spirit in which it was intended. Thus far, since we spoke on the phone three minutes and thirty seconds ago, there is no sign of Lars Jones.

Sincerely,

Archie

***

**me:** Update: Cramer has shown up and knocked on Jones’ door.

**Wolfe:** You could easily have conveyed this information by phone call, rather than giving the impression that you had encountered an obstacle of such danger and difficulty as to prevent you from being irritating.

**me:** Nope. I had to duck around the corner to avoid being seen. Cramer would’ve heard me, no question.

**Wolfe:** Then you could have waited.

**me:** And leave you with the impression that I had encountered an obstacle of such danger and difficulty as to prevent me from being irritating? Never.

**Wolfe:** I am going to eat lunch. This device will not accompany me.

***

**me:** What’s on the menu?

**Fritz:** Slow-roasted pork with kimchi and a cold glass noodle salad.

**me:** damn.

**Fritz:** I’ve already saved you a plate.

***

**me:** Felicia Jones has stopped by her brother’s apartment.

**me:** Felicia has now left her brother’s apartment. As I cannot clone myself, and my employer does not believe in business at the table, I have taken it upon myself to follow her.

**me:** We’re visiting Tony Allman’s place of business. Isn’t it nice when everyone connected to a murder seems to know each other?

**me:** Update: Felicia is demonstrating startling skill at breaking and entering.

**Wolfe:** Bring her here. Bring them all here.

**me:** Can do.

***

**From: me**

**To: Cramer**

Inspector,

You might be interested to learn that we have gathered all relevant parties together and are making excellent progress. If you happen to stop by before dinner, you may learn something of note.

Yours sincerely as always,

Archie Goodwin

***

**me:** You’ll be unsurprised to learn that this whole enterprise has been a waste of both Cramer’s time and mine.

**Wolfe:** Pfui. Cramer is more intelligent than this. There was clearly nothing to gain by bringing you in.

**me:** In brighter news, Purley and I have played seven games of Words With Friends. He informed me that since I haven’t actually been charged with anything, but am only there as a courtesy, it does not interfere with his professional ethics.

**me:** I’ve won every game, if you were interested in knowing.

**me:** r u there?

**Wolfe:** What nonsense is that.

**me:** So you are checking your phone.

**me:** Oh, here comes Cramer. After so much time together, I recognize the sound of his footsteps.

***

**me:** Cramer has at last satisfied himself that I have no information about the illegal gambling ring being run out of Allman’s club.

**me:** Which is information that I hope warms his heart as I stumble weakly home, having been deprived of both my lunch and my dinner.

**Wolfe:** This is unconscionable. I had fully planned on allowing Cramer to take the murderer in himself, but I now find myself unable to allow it. Come home. Fritz has your dinner ready.

**me:** Those words are music to my eyes.

***

**Saul:** F. Jones led me straight to the target. Evidence is in plain sight, together with Allman and two employees. Instructions?

**Wolfe:** Archie is on his way now.

***

**Wolfe:** Archie, report.

**Wolfe:** Archie, if you are continuing to administer punishment for a natural and understandable preference for speaking aloud, the time has come to cease this flummery and report.

**Wolfe:** Archie, if I do not have a reply in ten minutes, I will call Mr. Cramer. I trust you understand how distasteful that would be, given today’s events.

**me:** So, I only got shot a tiny bit.

*******

**me** : Well, everything is wrapped up nicely. It may have taken all night, but I take solace in four things.

**me:** 1) I had an excellent dinner, even rewarmed, fortifying me throughout.

**me:** 2) The papers are going to be painting us in a warm and heavenly light, while the NYPD will be represented somewhat less favorably.

**me:** 3) Felicia has expressed a true appreciation for my heroics in the face of what has become, in everyone’s memory, a hail of bullets. The scrape I received from a ricocheting sliver of brick has achieved Herculean proportions in her eyes. She wants us to get an early lunch together.

**me:** 4) I have finally convinced Nero Wolfe to use a cell phone.

**Wolfe:** I trust you are on your way home for lunch. Miss Jones may accompany you, if she desires.

**me:** Tell Fritz she’s vegan.

**Wolfe:** Miss Jones may not accompany you.

***

**me:** Sorry about the papers, but really, it was no more than you deserved.

**Cramer:** Don’t make me block your number, Goodwin.

**me:** Tell Purley I’m looking forward to a rematch.


End file.
